1:40 pm

It's a beautiful day in Pennsylvania. The sun is shining, sky is blue ....  and so is my mood. There is something wrong with my "picture". I would rather be anywhere but home. (at least inside) I have lived here 13 years. We have built a home/family here. I hate it. The house. I feel, just like I did when the doctor called and asked me if I had an office or back store room to sit in... he waited till I was sitting, and told me, our son had a brain tumor. The air seemed to go out of my body and it would not come back in. I felt, like someone was squeezing the life out of me. That was in 2008. Actually July 6, 2008. Now I feel like that every time I am in my house. I am OK outside and at work, in the car and for the past month, sleeping in the back yard in the camper. I feel the house is killing me. Or trying too.
I made a decision the other day and immediately felt better. I would find a place of my own. Move out. Then of course, my thoughts went to my 4 kids and husband. How are they going to feel if I tell them that??
It isn't them. I don't want a divorce. I just need my own space. Is this a mid life crisis????  Or is it my mental health?? My "depression" taking over??  I only feel like I can breathe when I am away from the house... what do I do???

I feel that taking care of me is important. Especially since I have spent years not doing so. So what does a Mother/Wife do??? 

11:25...... August 31 (first day of school)

It's the first day of school. I have 2 children in High School. Where did they come from?? Seems like just  yesterday I was in High School.... Why is it you discover things about yourself... YEARS to late??  Is it too late to start doing what you missed?? Do you wait longer to get the kids out of the house?? And when does that happen??? (have a 20 year old still home with no plans on leaving)

There is so much I want to discover. I just don't have time to do the things I want. Maybe I should have listened to my Mom years ago... not to want to grow up to fast. Wish I could explain that to my daughter. (it's only taken 40 years to learn...)